


Wish I Were (Heather)

by Fallenshadows



Category: GOT7, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Angst, Bambam is bad at feelings, Bigender Park Jimin (BTS), Chaptered, Coming Out, Dubious Consent, F/M, Falling In Love, Fluff, Gender Dysphoria, Genderfluid Min Yoongi | Suga, Heavy Angst, Homophobia, Jealousy, Kunpimook Bhuwakul | BamBam-centric, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Nonbinary Bambam, Nonbinary Character, Other, Smut, Trans Kim Taehyung | V, Transphobia, Unrequited Love, learning to love yourself, read notes please
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-05
Updated: 2020-10-05
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:42:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26842327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fallenshadows/pseuds/Fallenshadows
Summary: “Ah, hyungie,” Bambam hears Yugyeom whine from his living room. Bambam tries not to listen in as Yugyeom continues to whine to Youngjae, “Hyungie, you should have seen how pretty she was.”“Yuggie-yah, I see her every day. I always see how pretty she is,” Youngjae mumbles back. Bambam lets his heart sink to the floor. Of course Yugyeom likes Mina… Bambam’s mind supplies more with who wouldn’t like her. He doesn’t know what to do other than to stay in his room and lean against the door, continuing to listen into their conversation. He didn’t want to let himself listen but at this point there was no pulling him away.or the one where Bambam is jealous of Mina, but not for the reason you'd think.
Relationships: Choi Youngjae/Im Jaebum | JB/Park Jinyoung, Jeon Jungkook/Kim Seokjin | Jin, Jung Hoseok | J-Hope/Min Yoongi | Suga, Kim Namjoon | RM/Mark Tuan/Jackson Wang, Kim Taehyung | V/Park Jimin, Kunpimook Bhuwakul | BamBam/Kim Yugyeom
Kudos: 7





	Wish I Were (Heather)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi again! 
> 
> This fic is something I've been planning for a while. It's about Bambam realizing they're nonbinary transfeminine. They will be written using he/him pronouns for the first half of the fic, before they realize who they are. If this is triggering please don't read.
> 
> Another part of this fic is, in chapter two, Bambam experiences heavy sexual dysphoria for the first time, and while they consented to everything, they began to get super uncomfortable, Sooyoung notices right away and stops the sex to comfort them. If this is triggering, please skip chapter two when I finish and post it.
> 
> Now onto other things:
> 
> I've done a fuck ton of research for this fic because i want to get everything right, but, that doesn't mean i've gotten everything correct. If there is something I messed up, please let me know as soon as possible so i can fix it. 
> 
> Now, in doing the research for this fic, it has caused me to realize things about myself. I am not exactly cisgender like I once thought. I prefer they/them pronouns and I'm not sure if I am nonbinary or demigirl... I am leaning more towards enby as I don't identify as either gender
> 
> Yoongi is genderfluid!
> 
> Jimin is bigender, meaning, they experience two or more genders. Jimin goes between nonbinary and female so they use She/they pronouns. they are called hyung when they are nonbinary and noona when they are female. 
> 
> Taehyung is trans! ftm! I talk about binders and top surgery in this fic as well!
> 
> Bambam is nonbinary transfeminine. They use he/him at the beginning of the fic because they don't know who they are yet but then proceced to use she/they for the rest of the fic after realizing.
> 
> I hope you enjoy reading!

“Ah, hyungie,” Bambam hears Yugyeom whine from his living room. Bambam tries not to listen in as Yugyeom continues to whine to Youngjae, “Hyungie, you should have seen how pretty she was.”

“Yuggie-yah, I see her every day. I always see how pretty she is,” Youngjae mumbles back. Bambam lets his heart sink to the floor. Of course Yugyeom likes Mina… Bambam’s mind supplies more with who wouldn’t like her. He doesn’t know what to do other than to stay in his room and lean against the door, continuing to listen into their conversation. He didn’t want to let himself listen but at this point there was no pulling him away.

After a few minutes, their voices melded into mumbles in his head as he let himself wallow in pity against his bedroom door. He didn’t even notice when their conversation finished and he could start hearing Yugyeom’s heavy steps towards his room.

Bambam startles when he hears a soft knock on his door. “Bam! Are you ready to go?” he hears Yugyeom ask loudly through the door, far too loud for Bam’s ears for where he sits at the door. He lifts his hands to touch his face, worried about any tears down his face.

“Uh, I should be ready in a few minutes, Yuggie,” Bam tries, his voice sounds warbly to himself and he can’t imagine how Yugyeom hears it.

“Bam? Are you doing okay?” Of course Yugyeom doesn’t miss a beat on asking, his voice small and nervous. Bam’s not sure how to answer, so he just doesn’t, letting Yugyeom try the door handle and pull it open. He’s met with his best friend sitting on the floor, eyes puffy from tears that have clearly already fallen down his face. “Bammie…” Yugyeom’s voice trails as he falls down to pull Bambam into a hug. It makes Bambam’s heart hurt worse, even more tears making their way up into his eyes. They threaten to fall onto Yugyeom’s pretty plaid shirt.

Yugyeom pulls Bam tighter when he hears a short whimper from him. Bam wants to recoil and pull away. Wants to say he doesn’t need the comfort, but he knows he does. He knows he needs nothing more than his best friend’s hug while they sit on the floor. Bam can feel Yugyeom turn his head and whisper into his hair, “Bammie, I can understand if you don’t want to talk about it, but I’m right here if you need to. I really hope you’re okay.”

Yugyeom’s soft voice makes the tears fall down Bambam’s face, right onto his shirt. At the confirmation of Bambam crying, Yugyeom starts to rock the hug. A soft sway, trying to calm down his best friend. Bambam shudders out a breath, trying to stop himself from crying. After all, the two of them have somewhere to be tonight that isn’t crying on the floor of Bambam’s bedroom. 

“I’m sorry you had to see that, Yuggie. Give me a few minutes to clean my face and then we can go. You should go tell Youngjae hyungie that I’m sorry for holding us up.”

“Bam, don’t apologize for that. We can stay home if you don’t want to go to Kookie’s to see the hyungs? I’m sure they’d all understand.”

“No, it’s okay… I want to see them,” Bam whispers, eyes downcast as he finally pulls away from Yugyeom’s hug. He could really use some cuddles from Taehyung and Jimin. He slowly pulls himself up and saunters off to his bathroom to wash his face. He stares at the makeup on the bathroom counter, thinking about how Mina does her makeup. How she keeps it light and nice, only using it as an accent to her features. Bambam looks at himself in the mirror, taking in the dark powder against his brow bone, takes in the glitter on his eyelids. He contemplates taking the makeup off, rubbing it off and telling Yugyeom that it was ruined from crying so he just chose to remove it. He contemplates it but then realizes the hyungs would be able to see his red puffy eyes and he’s not ready to be asked if he’s okay by eleven people. Maybe it’s best to wipe off what was ruined and reapply it.

So, he takes his time doing that. Making sure not a single eyelash is out of place. Making sure that with how close Tae and Jimin will be to his face, that they won’t be able to tell he was sobbing his eyes out only minutes before. It takes him a solid few minutes before he walks out and into the living room. 

“Youngjae hyung, I’m sorry I took so long.”

“Bam-ah, it’s okay. You did nothing wrong. You were having a hard time,” Youngjae replies, his voice soft and caring. Bambam’s eyes widen for a second. Of course Yugyeom would tell him. Bambam can’t help but feel angry. He knows Yugyeom did it out of care, but it still upsets him. He looks at Yugyeom and can see the guilt on his face. Yugyeom knows how Bambam feels about his emotions getting aired out. 

“Ah, we should leave. I’m excited to see the hyungs and Jungkookie.” 

It doesn’t take them long to get to Jungkook’s apartment. Bambam is the first out of the car and into the building. He doesn’t want to wait for the others. He just wants to see Taehyung and Jimin. He needs them right now. He wants one of Jimin’s strong hugs right now. He’s the first one knocking on the door. The first one being greeted by his hyungs. His mind is frazzled. He greets them quickly before immediately running to Jimin. First he takes in what Jimin is wearing, a pretty blouse tucked into a pretty black skirt. Jimin’s black heels click against the floor from where they rest on the floor, tapping. 

“Jimin noona?” he whispers as he walks towards them right away. Jimin nods before opening her arms for him. Bambam slides into them easily, shoving his face into Jimin’s neck, nuzzling for comfort. 

“Bammie, are you okay?” she whispers into his hair. He nods before he feels someone slide up next to him, body warm and immediately wrapping around him. “Bam, you know it’s okay if you aren’t?” she whispers again, even softer this time, making sure no one but her and Tae hear. She looks up at Tae, both of them carrying worried expressions. It’s been awhile since Bambam has thrown himself onto them, seeking comfort as quickly as possible. 

“Bam-ah,” Taehyung’s deep voice murmurs from behind him, “Want to stay the night at Jimi’s and I’s after movie night? You seem like you need it…” 

Bambam nods again into Jimin’s neck. “I’d like that, hyung.” By the time Bambam readjusts himself on Jimin and Taehyung’s laps, Yugyeom and Youngjae are in the apartment. Bambam looks up and can see Yugyeom shift his eyes away. Bambam wants nothing but to be in Taehyung’s apartment, laying in their bed, sobbing and telling them what’s wrong, because they are the only ones who understand. The only ones who won’t just look at him with pity in their eyes.

Bambam wiggles around and pulls his phone out sending a quick text to the “aNd ThEy WeRe RoOmAtEs” chat. Letting them know he wasn’t going home with them tonight and that they can leave when they want to after the movie. He doesn’t want to risk holding them back, even if it’s just for going home. Bam can feel Jimin reaching to take his phone out of his hand, worried about what he may be looking at before wrapping her arms around his stomach and pulling him closer. Taehyung makes an affronted noise and a low comment about how Jimin is hogging  _ his Bammie _ . Bambam doesn’t think there’d be a better place to be than right here, in two of his best friends' arms, being coddled and loved. It’s warm and nice. It’s something he wouldn’t give up for the world. 

It’s only a few hours later when they get to Taehyung’s place. Bambam getting ready to lay in bed, ready to spill his guts then pass out with the warmth of his two closest friends, other than Gyeommie of course. When Taehyung pulls his shirt off, Bambam panics and turns around. He doesn’t want to make Taehyung feel uncomfortable or dysphoric because he saw his chest or his binder. 

“Bammie, are you okay?” Jimin calls quietly. 

“I’m okay… I just don’t want Tae hyung to feel weird with me seeing his binder… or… his chest” Bammie whispers the last part, hands reaching up to cover his bright red face. 

“Ah~ Bammie-yah, thank you for being worried! I promise it’s okay if you turn around. I trust you a lot. I’m only changing to sleep and take my binder off.” Taehyung reassures him. “It’s okay if you aren’t comfortable turning around though.”

Bam nods before looking down at his own body. The idea of sleeping with his shirt off or even showing his chest to them makes him super uncomfortable. He slowly unbuttons his jeans before sliding them off and going to lay in their large bed. He chews on his lip in discomfort. He’s never felt so hyper aware of his chest until now. He wants to change the topic as quick as possible when he hears Taehyung exhale a large breath before he hears the cap of a bottle pop open.

Bam pushes his face into Taehyung’s pillow before turning over and remembering to ask, “How’s the top surgery fund going?”

He opens his eyes long enough to see Jimin and Taehyung grimace. “It’s going… We’ve probably only added a few dollars within the past few weeks…” Taehyung grumbles. Bambam feels a little bad for bringing it up, but he likes hearing the happy updates if there are any.

“I have a few dollars on me? Can I add it?”

“Bammie… I don’t know… You don’t have to do that. It’s my job to pay for my surgery…”

“But, hyung. I really want to help out anyway possible. I want you to feel good and I know this surgery will help. Please?” Bambam begs. He wants nothing more than to help Taehyung out.

Bambam can hear Jimin whisper something to Taehyung before he sighs and speaks softly, “I suppose you can add the money to it in the morning. I love you so much, Bammie. You care so much about me…” 

“Of course I do, hyung! I love you so much. You’ve been there for me for everything… I want to do that for you too, and helping you get your surgery helps be there for you.” Bambam explains to Taehyung, hearing him choke up a bit before rushing to the bed and jumping onto him. 

Taehyung wraps his arms around Bambam tightly, almost crushing him. “You’re too good to me. What did Chim and I do to deserve you?” he cries into Bammie’s neck.

“Speaking of top surgery, Taehyung-ah, have you told Bam about what type you’re planning on getting?” Jimin coos at them as she walks towards the bed, sliding into her side behind Bambam.

Taehyung jolts a bit at that. He hadn’t told Bammie yet. He turns to grab his phone off the nightstand, scrolling for a few seconds before pulling up a photo. “Here it is! Keyhole! It has the smallest scars and I think that’d help me a lot.” Taehyung pushes his phone into Bammie’s face. Bam grabs his phone and looks at scars, little half moons right underneath the person’s nipples. The scars seem like something that would work perfect for Taehyung. 

Bam hands Taehyung’s phone back before tugging him into a hug. “I’m so happy for you, hyung.” Taehyung laughs at that, holding Bambam tighter. Bambam smiles into Taehyung’s neck, reaching out to pull Jimin into the hug too. Jimin throws herself into the hug clutching around her two favorite boys in the world. It doesn’t take them long after that to fall asleep. 

**Author's Note:**

>   
> [My carrd](https://fallenshadows.carrd.co/)  
> I really hope you enjoyed reading!


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